you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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