yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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