I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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