I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
