I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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