yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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