how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
