Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
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