Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Randomize
