Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
