We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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