you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
