I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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