I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
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