and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
