peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize