Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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