this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize