You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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