if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
