sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
