I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize