There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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