im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
