I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
