Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
