i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
