It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
