dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i was born a porn star she said
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Randomize
