3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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