I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
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