My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
