Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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