Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Randomize
