Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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