Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
