i just wanna soil my oats bro
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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