my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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