and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
