and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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