At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
