please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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