it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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