Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
this will be a night to untag.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
