You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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