the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
