I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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