I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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