I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
