Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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