Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
We smell like vodka and hangover
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