i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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