I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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