I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
