I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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