I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
